Today's mini-goal:
Make it all the way home without crying.

Yep, sounds really ridiculous. But I feel like I have to do it that way because of the major breakdown I had (again) last night. It is apparently just what I do, in general. I breakdown. I sob, I cry, I scream, I hide, I break things, I cut my hair, I even consider cutting myself. That one I haven't done. I have zero desire to die, just desire to release. Releasing tension is releasing blood? That is not something that I am sure about, but sometimes in my head it seems logical.

Last night was the body-related freak out. I am still not fitting into my clothes properly or the way that I want to. It truly makes me miserable. I want to drop about 10 lbs to look and feel the way that I like. And so I tried on a sundress to wear to the wedding this weekend that I am going to, and it was kind of tough to zip up, and I looked fat in it. So of course, I started crying about that. I was also crying about the fact that I have nasty, ugly scars all over my legs because of a bad habit that I have had my entire life. And now, the flea problem with the cat is adding more and more little bites to me, which I am afraid of because it is things like that which got me all scarred up in the first place.

Well, I am very hopeful that it is a flea problem as I am not in the mood to deal with bedbugs, that is for certain! And they are my major fear.

Having this as my new place where I am actually able to express how I am feeling day to day, without needing to hold a pen, since I am still have trouble doing that if it is for an extended period of time, might be helping. I feel the need to constantly be writing something, so I have pretty much always had an entry going that I can flip back to if times are needed!

I have already done my main goal for the day, which was to follow up with a psychiatrist. I called him back and have an appointment scheduled for Monday morning at 9:15. Hooray for that. I am not terribly excited about it, as it is definitely going to be a pretty major financial hit for me, but I guess it is what someone like me has to do to try and get or stay healthy.

I am not really liking the fact that I keep saying "someone like me". I don't like to think of myself as completely different from the rest of the world's population. Granted, there is obviously different things about me, but then again, there are different things about everyone! I am not sure why I am taking the approach that I am completely screwed up, and therefore a failure in the eyes of the world. I DO feel like that about myself, but I am not sure that it is the appropriate way to feel. In fact, I am fairly certain that it is NOT the appropriate way to feel, but I can't help it.

The other thing that bugs me a whole lot is my need to ramble. I feel like all the time that I just have to keep talking, keep writing, keep running my mouth, etc. I think I just said two of the same things twice. In different ways, but twice none-the-less.

I am having trouble working today. I feel like I got something accomplished already as I managed to get the everywhere apportionment to flow to New Jersey, which was a positive step in the right direction, but now I am just feeling pretty well done for the day, which sucks. I really would like to get one thing off of my desk, as soon as I possibly can, so I can actually feel like I have accomplished something. I would really LOVE to get some things done today in order to really be able to move forward with my 10/15 projects.

I hate feeling like I can't get anything done. I have taken on all of these projects of someone from my team who left, and I am just sitting here, staring at them. It is horribly frustrating to me. I hate to be nonproductive. And I really like to get things done and feel like SOMETHING that I am doing is making a difference to me. I hate the fact that there is seemingly nothing that I can do to really hammer out these returns that I am working on. I love to be productive. I love to accomplish things. I love to feel good about what I have gotten done in any given day. I know that I have already accomplished my daily mini-goal, but now I would like to accomplish something at work. Right now I would feel good if I could just get my proper filing instructions to print, as then I would have several of the returns completed at least! That would be awesome!

Follow-up on Yesterday's Goal, etc...

Okay, well, everyone should know that I did achieve my mini-goal of the day yesterday, and I am quite pleased with myself for doing so.

Today's goal: Follow up with psychiatrist, and if no, get a number for a second one.
Bonus goal: Pack for Toledo (leaving tomorrow!)

I am having major major regrets/self hatred today about what I did to my hair on Monday. I have been able to talk myself out of it a dozen other times when I almost hacked it all off, and this time, I just couldn't do it, and so now, I cry. I look at myself and I cry. I have this weird my hair is too thick mushroom thing going on right now. I had it when I was a senior in high school and I have it again. I hate it.

I am having a weird mood day in addition to my hair thing. Part of me wants to break down in tears, as I kind of feel like I have no choice and that is the only thing that is going to work for me right now. I also have a racing heart and I want to scream and rock back and forth under my desk like I really am a crazy person. Maybe I am a crazy person? I have no idea.

All that I know right now is that I have been constantly having a tough time with life in general, which I hate. Granted, I guess that is to be expected considering what I have going on right now. I mean, it is not the easiest situation in the world to be a fresh "sick person," or whatever it is that I really am. It is all new to me in general, and it sucks a fat one.

First off, the reason I have chosen a pink layout for this blog is not because I am in love with the color pink. I am hoping that looking at it daily will be cheerful and helpful to me as time goes on. We'll see.

I have recently been trying to set myself little mini-goals daily to try and figure out what I have going on. I feel like if I can accomplish one thing every day, then I can feel as though I truly am improving.

My friend K said to me the other night when I was telling her that I was giving up (because trust me, when you have been to hell and back as many times as me, you are more than ready to give up), that she figures someday I will take my illness, take the bad luck that has befallen me over and over again, and find a way to live with it. In fact, not just live with it, live ON it. She figures someday I will be using a talent that I have squirreled away (writing) and manage to get all of it written down somewhere, be published, etc.

I like to think that she is right and it could happen. But on the other hand, with the way that things are going lately, I am not sure that it ever will happen. Right now my head is so out of it, and has been for so long, that I am unsure that it will ever come back to where my head feels like it needs to be for me to be a successful person. I feel like I have failed over and over, honestly, and I am not sure what I can do about it.

Aspects of my life that I feel I have failed:
1. School
2. Music
3. Finances
4. Career at former firm
5. License exam (3x)
6. Relationships (every one I have been in since the age of 17)

I am exhausted of complaining to my friends and parents about what a failure I feel like. So that is part of the reason that I have started this. Of course, the other part of that is in hopes that, like K said, someday I get around to pulling all of this together and maybe can take some kind of recording of my "crazy time" when I am in it. Unfortunately, too often my hands stop working and then I can't even hold a pen or something.

I hope I can end up with some sense of lucidity on this, just enough that I can make it out in the future if I do go back to attempt to re-record my life.

So to go back to the earlier point I made about having little goals every day? I would like to record them here. Yesterday's was "make it to work." Check. Friday's was "call a psychiatrist." Check.

Today's goal: Do not call mom at all unless she calls you, or it is after 9 pm.

Stay tuned for tomorrow or later to see if I make it!

I am meeting J for dinner in about an hour. We are going to a seafood place. I am hopeful that I will be able to sit still and not fidget or shake too much, as that is what I have been doing all day. I try to come across as normal, because I don't want anyone to think any less of me. It scares me to be so "sick" if sick is the proper term for what is going on with me. It scares me that other people could find out.

September 15 & 16, 2008

I did something that I would term to be crazy yesterday. I cut all my hair off in a rage. I was losing it, sobbing hysterically about who knows what, and scissors, ponytails, cut cut cut.

J said to me once that if I stick to cutting my hair rather than myself then it will probably be ok. But I have considered on more than one occasion recently to pick up the scissors and chop more than my hair. I left some length to my hair in hopes that I will stick with that in my frustration. Not that I really want to look even that crazy, coming into work with shorter hair every time I have had some major frustration... But I don't know. I guess it is better than scarred wrists?

I don't know. I am constantly humiliated because of my tendency to act out, to be crazy and irrational. For some reason, I have very little control over it. It freaks me out to have so little control over something when it is actually happening. It is almost an "out-of-my-head" kind of moment, that I hate. I mean, who likes to have no control at all? I tend to be a bit of a control freak, so I obviously have no idea how the average person feels, but it is a weird thing to kind of feel like you are watching yourself from the outside while you do something which seems incredibly ridiculous.

An ex called me irrational for years. I argued it with him tooth and nail. Maybe he was right. That is terrifying to me.

Anon - A Layout

Okay, I started this blog generally as a way to just track down what I am feeling and how I am coping with my disease that I was recently diagnosed with (Bipolar Type I) within the last month. My name is E, and I am 25.

I had my suspicions about my own diagnosis for several years now. I have generally kept them to myself in hopes that someone would discover it and call me out on it. Of course, it is rather difficult for someone, even a doctor to do that. I mean, yes, he sits there and watches me fidget, sees me starve myself for months at a time... but those things could easily be related to my nonsensical vanity about my body. And that is not unusual for a woman of my age with my background to have that kind of vanity.

I finally decided it was time to take control of my own life, and go for a diagnosis. It is hard to realize that you could have a chronic illness that can be so severe as this one, but at the same time, I figured, if I knew what it was (and so did my doctor) I can treat it far more successfully. As soon as I was sitting in the doctor's office with my regular weekly weigh-in (if you are suspected of having or have been diagnosed with an eating disorder like me you have to be weighed in all the time - at least I do), and started describing to him different things that I have had going on, he was like, "you know, I think you might be bipolar." So we talked about it, he told me different things that I do that pointed in that general direction, and also mentioned that my troubles with eating (or lack thereof) could be more of a symptom of the disorder, rather than something separate from it!

So it has been about a month since my diagnosis. I am on some meds now, although I certainly might have to have them readjusted and such and try and find all of the right levels of everything that I am on, but hopefully, I will, and eventually I will become some semblance of a "normal" person, whatever that is.