I did something that I would term to be crazy yesterday. I cut all my hair off in a rage. I was losing it, sobbing hysterically about who knows what, and scissors, ponytails, cut cut cut.
J said to me once that if I stick to cutting my hair rather than myself then it will probably be ok. But I have considered on more than one occasion recently to pick up the scissors and chop more than my hair. I left some length to my hair in hopes that I will stick with that in my frustration. Not that I really want to look even that crazy, coming into work with shorter hair every time I have had some major frustration... But I don't know. I guess it is better than scarred wrists?
I don't know. I am constantly humiliated because of my tendency to act out, to be crazy and irrational. For some reason, I have very little control over it. It freaks me out to have so little control over something when it is actually happening. It is almost an "out-of-my-head" kind of moment, that I hate. I mean, who likes to have no control at all? I tend to be a bit of a control freak, so I obviously have no idea how the average person feels, but it is a weird thing to kind of feel like you are watching yourself from the outside while you do something which seems incredibly ridiculous.
An ex called me irrational for years. I argued it with him tooth and nail. Maybe he was right. That is terrifying to me.
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