I don't know why it is that I am finding life so hard lately. I miss a lot of things because of it. I have a productive weekend where I do pretty much everything that I want to do, and I still feel like I have done nothing. I am completely frustrated by that, honestly. Why can't I just get settled and be happy with myself, be happy with who I am?

What is wrong with being a girl who has issues with her brain? Okay, I know that sounds more negative than I should allow myself to be. I don't want to be that negative. I am not sure why I am that negative when I have set a rather specific goal NOT to be that. Grr. I tick myself off.

I talked to C last night. I think we ironed some things out. I still don't know what is going on with us, honestly, but hey, whatever, I guess, right? We are having fun, and that is what we are good at, and in a lot of ways, isn't that the most important thing?

But M... oh M, I really like him a lot. I have really kind of dropped the age thing. I can't care anymore. Its not important when you like someone. And I really like him. I do. I wish I knew if he was interested in me or if he is just flirtatious. I mean, I feel like I have gotten signals of him being interested, but with some of the things that a friend who knows him has said to me, I am just not sure. I feel like he must be, especially with all of the emails and such that have shot back and forth the last few days. I don't know though and I hate being unsure about things.

I am going to have to do something to figure it out, to see if I am wasting my time with him or not. I have big plans for the pirate party this weekend, so hopefully he is going to that. I think I might give him some crap about being the director for the current show, and that makes the party mandatory. So we'll see how all of that goes. I have high hopes for this party, as I think my costume will be pretty fantastic.

So, Emily's pirate costume? Cream colored corset with ruffles around the top (like a ruffly pirate blouse), black gauchos, stiletto boots, a red scarf as a belt, a red bandana on my head, a gold cuff on my wrist, and gold hoop earring. I am super pleased with it, and so now I hope that he will see me in it.

After the positive entry last night, I had a little bit of a breakdown. I cried, I felt terrible, and I definitely had a moment of feeling like I was in that crying on the floor in the bathroom asking why he doesn't like me. I didn't want to think about the men in my life and their unresponsiveness to me yesterday.

I wanted to focus on the positive. I wanted to be focused on the good goals today and yesterday. I wanted to have a good day, a day when I wasn't worried about relationships, men, being sick. I wanted it to be a day to be better, to be a good person. The person that I want to be, the person that I know that I am.

And yet, last night, I was crying and upset with myself, upset with C and M for not caring about me. And hell, C, he is something else, he is completely an enigma in my life. He is one of those things around me that confuses the shit out of me, tears me from the inside out, and never lets me really see what I have going on. I sit and look at myself, examine my feelings and try and to be different and try to be calm and ignore men. Ignore the ones that hurt me.

And M, he of course, should get some kind of exemption from my fury, because he has no idea that I am pining for him. I mean, he certainly might know, I have not exactly been secretive about it, but still, what is going on with him is a little different because we aren't dating or anything. I would like to begin to date him, as it would be nice to be "dating" someone for the first time since B. And he and I dated consistently for about a month before he went to Spain.

He was a really good guy, and I liked him A LOT. I wish things had worked out differently with us, and we were able to continue to see each other, but unfortunately we did not.

I hope today turns out a better day!

I spent the day studying. The whole day. I was a good girl, and I got the first lecture and homework questions done for the BEC exam sections. I am proud of myself.

Maybe I am beginning to really get better. Maybe life without meds is a good thing. I am not sure why that is, in fact, I am shocked. But I am seeing my doctor again in two weeks, so maybe he and I can talk some things out and try and figure out how to possibly be consistently on meds and have my life rolling the way that I want it to. I am working really hard to bring my life back into perspective.

Studying was a big deal. I am so so proud of myself for getting through a day of studying which was a major goal for me.

I had a goals meeting with my manager this week, and CPA was the biggest thing on my goals list. It is the most important thing that I want to accomplish this year. Pass the exam. My career has been very important to me for a long time, pretty much ever since I became an accounting major, being partner has been my goal. And being a CPA is obviously a big deal, since I cannot even become a manager without it!

So I am busting my ass from here on in.

I want them both. Very much. C is much more attainable at the moment, because I have the sex. He and I have amazing sex. And we both crave it. I haven't ever had sex with M, in fact, I have not even kissed him, although I almost did last night, and part of me thinks that I should have.

I chickened out of kissing him last night, even when the opportunity pretty much presented itself wide open. I was looking into his window of his car. He was sitting in the front seat and there he was, right there, close to me.

I haven't seen C, or hell, even talked to him, in two days. It makes me crazy a little. I am trying to have complete control over him and the situation. I have done well overall, and not let my heart get too involved. I know that it is not too involved yet because I do still have feelings for M. If I let things with C get away from me, I wouldn't have a single thought about another man, just like the last time we had anything going on. Not to say that the time that we spent together when it was good wasn't wonderful, because it was, but since I don't feel like that anymore, it is a good sign.

I am not sure how C would feel about things though, if he knew that I was after another man. In truth, I really do want M. I want to really BE with M. I want to have a real relationship with him. I want to get to know him, learn about him, meet his family, enjoy time together, stay in his bed, rest my head on his chest while he runs his hand through my hair. That it what I truly want.

It sounds like a dream right now to be in a relationship for real. I feel like I have not been in a relationship forever. Granted, I was in one about six months ago, but, even though I desperately loved C... Something was missing on his end. I want to be with someone who loves me just as much as I love him. I feel like there is a chance of that with M. And I would like to be able to take that chance.

I think I like him very much. I wish I just had some kind of clue if he was interested in me in that way as well. I mean, I feel like the emails and the flirting say that, but then he hasn't asked me out or anything yet, which leaves me feeling crazy.

Maybe (I can always hope, right) he has read the same books that I have, and he also is trying to pull the seduction over on me like I was hoping to pull onto him. I thought that would be very nice. I like him very much and would really enjoy spending time with him outside of rehearsals. I understand the fact that we all are very busy right now, due to the show, work obligations, etc. But christ, I am horribly frustrated. I feel like he has done nothing but flirt with me for the last several weeks, and yet, nothing.

I want to love. To be in love. To be loved.

Well, did it again. Saw C last night. We hung out for a while, and naturally we had sex. I am beginning to feel more and more like a hooker everytime I see him. I really should stop doing that. Because the more often it happens, the more I really do look like a whore. And then I get up and go home? What on earth is wrong with us that if we are going to be seeing each other, we can't go out and see each other like two normal people who like and care about each other? Which we do, obviously, or we wouldn't be like this!

I guess that is C and I. Its just how we are.

Things with M are beginning to get a little bit more forward, a little bit more obvious. We are definitely having fun, and I am trying to be a little bit more obvious in my feelings. The very obvious flirty smiles, touching him while looking him in the eye, the things that I know I have complete control over all of the time to try and show him what I want. Him.

And I do. Last night as he is walking around a rehearsal, I tried to bore my eyes into him. Tried to let him catch me looking at him so I could try a sultry smile. I had it figured out. I would do the silly brush my hand over his, the face tilted down, eyes up at him... I know that I can be beautiful and sexy, and I wanted to show him that. And I wanted him to see it clearly, accept it, take me in his arms, and then press me up against the car and hold me there while kissing me intensely. Gosh, I have some intense fantasies.

I have been off meds for about ... 3 weeks now? I guess? I stopped them right after I started seeing C again. I am not sure if I am ok with it or not. My weight has stabilized (whereas it was on the up up up path before) which helps me to feel a bit better for sure, but I am not sure emotionally how I am feeling. There are times when things feel great, feel wonderful! And then there are times when I feel like I am slipping and falling apart.

In some ways, things with C fit into both categories. He definitely makes me feel really good. Very good. Physically especially, and obviously. He helps my emotions as well, because he is incredibly complimentary on my body and my sexual abilities. Which I like to hear. It helps.

Tonight will be a M and C run in because C is bringing me something when I am going to be out with M. Awkward...

I am trying to do my goal setting at work right now. It has been a little bit weird, as I am not used to doing "goal-setting" in this manner. At my old firm, we had a very outlined process. We all hated it, and thought it was stupid, but we knew exactly what we needed to do. Here, there is not so much of a formal process, which I guess was to be expected.

C and I had a fight last night. Well, not exactly a fight, more like I got pissed off at him. And he actually agreed that I had a right to be pissed off at him, which is pretty rare. And he apologized to me which is even more rare. When it was happening, I was really thinking, he hasn't changed one bit. He is still the same ass that he was when we were together. But him apologizing shows that maybe he has changed a little bit after all, which honestly, is a little bit scary to me. I have a hard time believing that he might have changed at all.

After all, he's C. And C is very deliberately stuck in his ways.

I have a lot more to say, but I am kind of stuck right now, thinking about things, so I will try and update tomorrow again.

Things have been tough lately. I have been having some trouble in my head, and have been covering that up regularly by sleeping with C. I definitely know that it is not the correct answer. I have come to terms with the fact that I might be a little bit of a masochist, as I am going for a world of hurt by continuing to see him. I know this. And yet I continue to do it because it feels good.

And it really does feel good. He continuously and easily provides me with the best sex of my life. And holy cow, it really is the best sex ever. I think that is probably a big chunk of why he came back to see me again. For the sex. And in some ways, I am ok with that because he will screw me, pleasure me, and then lay back in the bed with me and laugh about how amazing we have it.

But I am not sure if amazing sex with C is what I really want. I mean, I know in my heart that I would love for him to love me again. But in my head, I know that is highly highly unlikely. I mean, with C, life is always a challenge. He never knows what he wants in the long term. Just want he wants right now. And he is very very good at getting what he wants right now. Obviously, look at me! Here I am after vowing to never have anything to do with him again because he hurt me so badly, and here I am waiting for my chances to be under him, to be in his bed. I am ridiculous.

I keep telling myself I can cut it off whenever I want to, but I am beginning to realize that is not the case, and I am beginning to fall under his spell once again. I hate myself for it.

I need to start seeing M to fix this. Does M want me? He acts like it...

I spent the night at C's again. I am starting to feel discouraged about M, and so I am using C to feel better and more self confident. He definitely does help with that, as he seems to be very physically into me, which I definitely enjoy.

If he wouldn't talk about other women around me, I might actually think he liked me beyond the sex. But of course, he does, all the time, and it bugs me. And I am pretty sure he knows it and that is why he does it. That is pretty typical of C, I suppose.

So back to M. He had been paying a lot of attention to me for a while there. And he still does, but I am far less certain about him being into me or not now. I am just not sure how to take him. I want him to like me, because I definitely like him. But of course, I am too chicken to approach him to just find out. Especially after Becca told me that she had suspicions of him being with someone during Alice, when he wasn't, just that he is a natural flirt. So it makes me wonder a little bit more if he is interested or just flirtatious. I guess I just have to wait and see what continues to happen.

There has been some talk of us both auditioning for You're a Good Man Charlie Brown this spring. That could be it...

Meeting C at the gym tonight. We'll see how that goes. I am supposed to meet him after my two hour dance rehearsal.

I miss dancing as much as I was before when I was in the last show. That involved a major amount of dance, and I was having a blast learning it and doing it. I would love to take tap again, more "full time" once I get the money situation under control, because that was a fantastic cardio workout.

I wish I could get my head on straight about men and relationships. I wish I didn't suck so badly at them or figure anyone who isn't C isn't right for me. I am getting myself completely screwed up because of it.

And now I am humiliated. I still haven't learned everything here yet, and I am still screwing things up. I am figuring it out little by little, but I am embarrassed to admit that I am still messing up stupid little things. It pretty much makes me feel like a moron. I will figure it out, I know I will, but seriously, I feel so stupid for trying to get this, and not being able to. I feel dumb that AB came in here and corrected me on it. I am trying. I really am.

I had pretty much of a breakdown yesterday. I was just feeling terrible for some of the things that have been going on, that I have been dealing with, and so I just was not sure how to cope. JT and I were supposed to do something last night, and naturally, because I am a complete screw up, I cancelled on him.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know why I can't like a guy who likes me back. I am not sure what I have so wrong with my head that I can't see someone who cares about me. Or at least, cares about what they have seen of me so far.

Maybe (ok, definitely) I am having a hard time trusting that someone could want to see me so much, that they are pursuing me like that. I mean, C was (is?) the love of my life, and he was never like that with me. We had something completely different. He and I had a very strange love/hate relationship, unlike any I have ever had before, and therefore, somehow better than any I have ever had before.

We had a very screwy relationship. I cannot deny that at all. And yet there was something about it that was perfect. There was something about it that I will look for in all future relationships. I have never had so much fun or laughed so hard with anyone else that I have been with. And I was with J for 4 years!

No wonder I feel like if there was a such thing as soul mates, C is mine... But since he isn't sure he is interested in that, what is a girl to do?

I haven't been updating this quite as often as I maybe should. I have been trying to feel on the up and up lately, trying to survive life as best as I can, trying to put the mess that I created out of my life back in order as best as I can.

I am working hard and trying to stay focused. Sometimes I fall down and skin my knees. Sometimes I get pretty damned injured from all of this.

With C back in my life, things are particularly strange. I still love him, but I feel like that love is different. I feel like it has grown and changed, and that it is something that I am beyond. He makes me feel safe like no one else my life has before, or I am afraid, will again. He makes me feel comfortable, happy. He is a really great and wonderful man in my life, who I am so glad to have, but on the other hand, I have an extremely difficult time trusting him after what has happened before. Little by little he is cracking me though.

It is a blessing and a curse to have him around. I work hard to protect myself, to protect my heart. And it is very very difficult.

Last night was the first time I spent the night there since we have been seeing each other again. We were in the middle of sex, and he said "want to spend the night?" and I agreed. Was that dumb, maybe... But I felt more comfortable than I had in bed in a very long time. Probably since the last time I was in his bed with him.

I am beginning to wonder if my attitude towards men results from my disease. I cannot seem to be interested in more than one person at one time. C does not count though, because he is an enigma. But since I am interested in M right now, I feel like I cannot even give JT the time of day. Its tough because M has not ever asked me on a date or anything, he just flirts with me. And then I continuously ignore or turn down JT.

What is wrong with me?

Or am I just hoping that C will be mine again?

I have not updated this in a week or something.

I think that is because I am beginning to even out. I am beginning to stabilize, which is weird to me, as it has been months of instability. That's good, of course. But it is still strange.

Something strange has happened over the last few weeks. Someone very very important from my past has resurfaced. An ex, C, has reappeared, wanting to start over. Start slowly... I am very afraid, as he has already broken me once.