I haven't been updating this quite as often as I maybe should. I have been trying to feel on the up and up lately, trying to survive life as best as I can, trying to put the mess that I created out of my life back in order as best as I can.

I am working hard and trying to stay focused. Sometimes I fall down and skin my knees. Sometimes I get pretty damned injured from all of this.

With C back in my life, things are particularly strange. I still love him, but I feel like that love is different. I feel like it has grown and changed, and that it is something that I am beyond. He makes me feel safe like no one else my life has before, or I am afraid, will again. He makes me feel comfortable, happy. He is a really great and wonderful man in my life, who I am so glad to have, but on the other hand, I have an extremely difficult time trusting him after what has happened before. Little by little he is cracking me though.

It is a blessing and a curse to have him around. I work hard to protect myself, to protect my heart. And it is very very difficult.

Last night was the first time I spent the night there since we have been seeing each other again. We were in the middle of sex, and he said "want to spend the night?" and I agreed. Was that dumb, maybe... But I felt more comfortable than I had in bed in a very long time. Probably since the last time I was in his bed with him.

I am beginning to wonder if my attitude towards men results from my disease. I cannot seem to be interested in more than one person at one time. C does not count though, because he is an enigma. But since I am interested in M right now, I feel like I cannot even give JT the time of day. Its tough because M has not ever asked me on a date or anything, he just flirts with me. And then I continuously ignore or turn down JT.

What is wrong with me?

Or am I just hoping that C will be mine again?