I want them both. Very much. C is much more attainable at the moment, because I have the sex. He and I have amazing sex. And we both crave it. I haven't ever had sex with M, in fact, I have not even kissed him, although I almost did last night, and part of me thinks that I should have.

I chickened out of kissing him last night, even when the opportunity pretty much presented itself wide open. I was looking into his window of his car. He was sitting in the front seat and there he was, right there, close to me.

I haven't seen C, or hell, even talked to him, in two days. It makes me crazy a little. I am trying to have complete control over him and the situation. I have done well overall, and not let my heart get too involved. I know that it is not too involved yet because I do still have feelings for M. If I let things with C get away from me, I wouldn't have a single thought about another man, just like the last time we had anything going on. Not to say that the time that we spent together when it was good wasn't wonderful, because it was, but since I don't feel like that anymore, it is a good sign.

I am not sure how C would feel about things though, if he knew that I was after another man. In truth, I really do want M. I want to really BE with M. I want to have a real relationship with him. I want to get to know him, learn about him, meet his family, enjoy time together, stay in his bed, rest my head on his chest while he runs his hand through my hair. That it what I truly want.

It sounds like a dream right now to be in a relationship for real. I feel like I have not been in a relationship forever. Granted, I was in one about six months ago, but, even though I desperately loved C... Something was missing on his end. I want to be with someone who loves me just as much as I love him. I feel like there is a chance of that with M. And I would like to be able to take that chance.

I think I like him very much. I wish I just had some kind of clue if he was interested in me in that way as well. I mean, I feel like the emails and the flirting say that, but then he hasn't asked me out or anything yet, which leaves me feeling crazy.

Maybe (I can always hope, right) he has read the same books that I have, and he also is trying to pull the seduction over on me like I was hoping to pull onto him. I thought that would be very nice. I like him very much and would really enjoy spending time with him outside of rehearsals. I understand the fact that we all are very busy right now, due to the show, work obligations, etc. But christ, I am horribly frustrated. I feel like he has done nothing but flirt with me for the last several weeks, and yet, nothing.

I want to love. To be in love. To be loved.