Well, did it again. Saw C last night. We hung out for a while, and naturally we had sex. I am beginning to feel more and more like a hooker everytime I see him. I really should stop doing that. Because the more often it happens, the more I really do look like a whore. And then I get up and go home? What on earth is wrong with us that if we are going to be seeing each other, we can't go out and see each other like two normal people who like and care about each other? Which we do, obviously, or we wouldn't be like this!

I guess that is C and I. Its just how we are.

Things with M are beginning to get a little bit more forward, a little bit more obvious. We are definitely having fun, and I am trying to be a little bit more obvious in my feelings. The very obvious flirty smiles, touching him while looking him in the eye, the things that I know I have complete control over all of the time to try and show him what I want. Him.

And I do. Last night as he is walking around a rehearsal, I tried to bore my eyes into him. Tried to let him catch me looking at him so I could try a sultry smile. I had it figured out. I would do the silly brush my hand over his, the face tilted down, eyes up at him... I know that I can be beautiful and sexy, and I wanted to show him that. And I wanted him to see it clearly, accept it, take me in his arms, and then press me up against the car and hold me there while kissing me intensely. Gosh, I have some intense fantasies.

I have been off meds for about ... 3 weeks now? I guess? I stopped them right after I started seeing C again. I am not sure if I am ok with it or not. My weight has stabilized (whereas it was on the up up up path before) which helps me to feel a bit better for sure, but I am not sure emotionally how I am feeling. There are times when things feel great, feel wonderful! And then there are times when I feel like I am slipping and falling apart.

In some ways, things with C fit into both categories. He definitely makes me feel really good. Very good. Physically especially, and obviously. He helps my emotions as well, because he is incredibly complimentary on my body and my sexual abilities. Which I like to hear. It helps.

Tonight will be a M and C run in because C is bringing me something when I am going to be out with M. Awkward...