I am back to feeling out of control. As much as I have spent a ton of time trying to hide it, I am stuck feeling horrible.

I am done. I hate this. I hate everything. I am feeling frustrated now even about what I do which is something that I only question when I am feeling particularly terrible.

Men make me miserable and confused. I am feeling terrible about my career choice again because I am not working. Gah! I hate everything right now so badly.

I don't know why it is that I am finding life so hard lately. I miss a lot of things because of it. I have a productive weekend where I do pretty much everything that I want to do, and I still feel like I have done nothing. I am completely frustrated by that, honestly. Why can't I just get settled and be happy with myself, be happy with who I am?

What is wrong with being a girl who has issues with her brain? Okay, I know that sounds more negative than I should allow myself to be. I don't want to be that negative. I am not sure why I am that negative when I have set a rather specific goal NOT to be that. Grr. I tick myself off.

I talked to C last night. I think we ironed some things out. I still don't know what is going on with us, honestly, but hey, whatever, I guess, right? We are having fun, and that is what we are good at, and in a lot of ways, isn't that the most important thing?

But M... oh M, I really like him a lot. I have really kind of dropped the age thing. I can't care anymore. Its not important when you like someone. And I really like him. I do. I wish I knew if he was interested in me or if he is just flirtatious. I mean, I feel like I have gotten signals of him being interested, but with some of the things that a friend who knows him has said to me, I am just not sure. I feel like he must be, especially with all of the emails and such that have shot back and forth the last few days. I don't know though and I hate being unsure about things.

I am going to have to do something to figure it out, to see if I am wasting my time with him or not. I have big plans for the pirate party this weekend, so hopefully he is going to that. I think I might give him some crap about being the director for the current show, and that makes the party mandatory. So we'll see how all of that goes. I have high hopes for this party, as I think my costume will be pretty fantastic.

So, Emily's pirate costume? Cream colored corset with ruffles around the top (like a ruffly pirate blouse), black gauchos, stiletto boots, a red scarf as a belt, a red bandana on my head, a gold cuff on my wrist, and gold hoop earring. I am super pleased with it, and so now I hope that he will see me in it.

After the positive entry last night, I had a little bit of a breakdown. I cried, I felt terrible, and I definitely had a moment of feeling like I was in that crying on the floor in the bathroom asking why he doesn't like me. I didn't want to think about the men in my life and their unresponsiveness to me yesterday.

I wanted to focus on the positive. I wanted to be focused on the good goals today and yesterday. I wanted to have a good day, a day when I wasn't worried about relationships, men, being sick. I wanted it to be a day to be better, to be a good person. The person that I want to be, the person that I know that I am.

And yet, last night, I was crying and upset with myself, upset with C and M for not caring about me. And hell, C, he is something else, he is completely an enigma in my life. He is one of those things around me that confuses the shit out of me, tears me from the inside out, and never lets me really see what I have going on. I sit and look at myself, examine my feelings and try and to be different and try to be calm and ignore men. Ignore the ones that hurt me.

And M, he of course, should get some kind of exemption from my fury, because he has no idea that I am pining for him. I mean, he certainly might know, I have not exactly been secretive about it, but still, what is going on with him is a little different because we aren't dating or anything. I would like to begin to date him, as it would be nice to be "dating" someone for the first time since B. And he and I dated consistently for about a month before he went to Spain.

He was a really good guy, and I liked him A LOT. I wish things had worked out differently with us, and we were able to continue to see each other, but unfortunately we did not.

I hope today turns out a better day!

I spent the day studying. The whole day. I was a good girl, and I got the first lecture and homework questions done for the BEC exam sections. I am proud of myself.

Maybe I am beginning to really get better. Maybe life without meds is a good thing. I am not sure why that is, in fact, I am shocked. But I am seeing my doctor again in two weeks, so maybe he and I can talk some things out and try and figure out how to possibly be consistently on meds and have my life rolling the way that I want it to. I am working really hard to bring my life back into perspective.

Studying was a big deal. I am so so proud of myself for getting through a day of studying which was a major goal for me.

I had a goals meeting with my manager this week, and CPA was the biggest thing on my goals list. It is the most important thing that I want to accomplish this year. Pass the exam. My career has been very important to me for a long time, pretty much ever since I became an accounting major, being partner has been my goal. And being a CPA is obviously a big deal, since I cannot even become a manager without it!

So I am busting my ass from here on in.

I want them both. Very much. C is much more attainable at the moment, because I have the sex. He and I have amazing sex. And we both crave it. I haven't ever had sex with M, in fact, I have not even kissed him, although I almost did last night, and part of me thinks that I should have.

I chickened out of kissing him last night, even when the opportunity pretty much presented itself wide open. I was looking into his window of his car. He was sitting in the front seat and there he was, right there, close to me.

I haven't seen C, or hell, even talked to him, in two days. It makes me crazy a little. I am trying to have complete control over him and the situation. I have done well overall, and not let my heart get too involved. I know that it is not too involved yet because I do still have feelings for M. If I let things with C get away from me, I wouldn't have a single thought about another man, just like the last time we had anything going on. Not to say that the time that we spent together when it was good wasn't wonderful, because it was, but since I don't feel like that anymore, it is a good sign.

I am not sure how C would feel about things though, if he knew that I was after another man. In truth, I really do want M. I want to really BE with M. I want to have a real relationship with him. I want to get to know him, learn about him, meet his family, enjoy time together, stay in his bed, rest my head on his chest while he runs his hand through my hair. That it what I truly want.

It sounds like a dream right now to be in a relationship for real. I feel like I have not been in a relationship forever. Granted, I was in one about six months ago, but, even though I desperately loved C... Something was missing on his end. I want to be with someone who loves me just as much as I love him. I feel like there is a chance of that with M. And I would like to be able to take that chance.

I think I like him very much. I wish I just had some kind of clue if he was interested in me in that way as well. I mean, I feel like the emails and the flirting say that, but then he hasn't asked me out or anything yet, which leaves me feeling crazy.

Maybe (I can always hope, right) he has read the same books that I have, and he also is trying to pull the seduction over on me like I was hoping to pull onto him. I thought that would be very nice. I like him very much and would really enjoy spending time with him outside of rehearsals. I understand the fact that we all are very busy right now, due to the show, work obligations, etc. But christ, I am horribly frustrated. I feel like he has done nothing but flirt with me for the last several weeks, and yet, nothing.

I want to love. To be in love. To be loved.

Well, did it again. Saw C last night. We hung out for a while, and naturally we had sex. I am beginning to feel more and more like a hooker everytime I see him. I really should stop doing that. Because the more often it happens, the more I really do look like a whore. And then I get up and go home? What on earth is wrong with us that if we are going to be seeing each other, we can't go out and see each other like two normal people who like and care about each other? Which we do, obviously, or we wouldn't be like this!

I guess that is C and I. Its just how we are.

Things with M are beginning to get a little bit more forward, a little bit more obvious. We are definitely having fun, and I am trying to be a little bit more obvious in my feelings. The very obvious flirty smiles, touching him while looking him in the eye, the things that I know I have complete control over all of the time to try and show him what I want. Him.

And I do. Last night as he is walking around a rehearsal, I tried to bore my eyes into him. Tried to let him catch me looking at him so I could try a sultry smile. I had it figured out. I would do the silly brush my hand over his, the face tilted down, eyes up at him... I know that I can be beautiful and sexy, and I wanted to show him that. And I wanted him to see it clearly, accept it, take me in his arms, and then press me up against the car and hold me there while kissing me intensely. Gosh, I have some intense fantasies.

I have been off meds for about ... 3 weeks now? I guess? I stopped them right after I started seeing C again. I am not sure if I am ok with it or not. My weight has stabilized (whereas it was on the up up up path before) which helps me to feel a bit better for sure, but I am not sure emotionally how I am feeling. There are times when things feel great, feel wonderful! And then there are times when I feel like I am slipping and falling apart.

In some ways, things with C fit into both categories. He definitely makes me feel really good. Very good. Physically especially, and obviously. He helps my emotions as well, because he is incredibly complimentary on my body and my sexual abilities. Which I like to hear. It helps.

Tonight will be a M and C run in because C is bringing me something when I am going to be out with M. Awkward...

I am trying to do my goal setting at work right now. It has been a little bit weird, as I am not used to doing "goal-setting" in this manner. At my old firm, we had a very outlined process. We all hated it, and thought it was stupid, but we knew exactly what we needed to do. Here, there is not so much of a formal process, which I guess was to be expected.

C and I had a fight last night. Well, not exactly a fight, more like I got pissed off at him. And he actually agreed that I had a right to be pissed off at him, which is pretty rare. And he apologized to me which is even more rare. When it was happening, I was really thinking, he hasn't changed one bit. He is still the same ass that he was when we were together. But him apologizing shows that maybe he has changed a little bit after all, which honestly, is a little bit scary to me. I have a hard time believing that he might have changed at all.

After all, he's C. And C is very deliberately stuck in his ways.

I have a lot more to say, but I am kind of stuck right now, thinking about things, so I will try and update tomorrow again.

Things have been tough lately. I have been having some trouble in my head, and have been covering that up regularly by sleeping with C. I definitely know that it is not the correct answer. I have come to terms with the fact that I might be a little bit of a masochist, as I am going for a world of hurt by continuing to see him. I know this. And yet I continue to do it because it feels good.

And it really does feel good. He continuously and easily provides me with the best sex of my life. And holy cow, it really is the best sex ever. I think that is probably a big chunk of why he came back to see me again. For the sex. And in some ways, I am ok with that because he will screw me, pleasure me, and then lay back in the bed with me and laugh about how amazing we have it.

But I am not sure if amazing sex with C is what I really want. I mean, I know in my heart that I would love for him to love me again. But in my head, I know that is highly highly unlikely. I mean, with C, life is always a challenge. He never knows what he wants in the long term. Just want he wants right now. And he is very very good at getting what he wants right now. Obviously, look at me! Here I am after vowing to never have anything to do with him again because he hurt me so badly, and here I am waiting for my chances to be under him, to be in his bed. I am ridiculous.

I keep telling myself I can cut it off whenever I want to, but I am beginning to realize that is not the case, and I am beginning to fall under his spell once again. I hate myself for it.

I need to start seeing M to fix this. Does M want me? He acts like it...

I spent the night at C's again. I am starting to feel discouraged about M, and so I am using C to feel better and more self confident. He definitely does help with that, as he seems to be very physically into me, which I definitely enjoy.

If he wouldn't talk about other women around me, I might actually think he liked me beyond the sex. But of course, he does, all the time, and it bugs me. And I am pretty sure he knows it and that is why he does it. That is pretty typical of C, I suppose.

So back to M. He had been paying a lot of attention to me for a while there. And he still does, but I am far less certain about him being into me or not now. I am just not sure how to take him. I want him to like me, because I definitely like him. But of course, I am too chicken to approach him to just find out. Especially after Becca told me that she had suspicions of him being with someone during Alice, when he wasn't, just that he is a natural flirt. So it makes me wonder a little bit more if he is interested or just flirtatious. I guess I just have to wait and see what continues to happen.

There has been some talk of us both auditioning for You're a Good Man Charlie Brown this spring. That could be it...

Meeting C at the gym tonight. We'll see how that goes. I am supposed to meet him after my two hour dance rehearsal.

I miss dancing as much as I was before when I was in the last show. That involved a major amount of dance, and I was having a blast learning it and doing it. I would love to take tap again, more "full time" once I get the money situation under control, because that was a fantastic cardio workout.

I wish I could get my head on straight about men and relationships. I wish I didn't suck so badly at them or figure anyone who isn't C isn't right for me. I am getting myself completely screwed up because of it.

And now I am humiliated. I still haven't learned everything here yet, and I am still screwing things up. I am figuring it out little by little, but I am embarrassed to admit that I am still messing up stupid little things. It pretty much makes me feel like a moron. I will figure it out, I know I will, but seriously, I feel so stupid for trying to get this, and not being able to. I feel dumb that AB came in here and corrected me on it. I am trying. I really am.

I had pretty much of a breakdown yesterday. I was just feeling terrible for some of the things that have been going on, that I have been dealing with, and so I just was not sure how to cope. JT and I were supposed to do something last night, and naturally, because I am a complete screw up, I cancelled on him.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know why I can't like a guy who likes me back. I am not sure what I have so wrong with my head that I can't see someone who cares about me. Or at least, cares about what they have seen of me so far.

Maybe (ok, definitely) I am having a hard time trusting that someone could want to see me so much, that they are pursuing me like that. I mean, C was (is?) the love of my life, and he was never like that with me. We had something completely different. He and I had a very strange love/hate relationship, unlike any I have ever had before, and therefore, somehow better than any I have ever had before.

We had a very screwy relationship. I cannot deny that at all. And yet there was something about it that was perfect. There was something about it that I will look for in all future relationships. I have never had so much fun or laughed so hard with anyone else that I have been with. And I was with J for 4 years!

No wonder I feel like if there was a such thing as soul mates, C is mine... But since he isn't sure he is interested in that, what is a girl to do?

I haven't been updating this quite as often as I maybe should. I have been trying to feel on the up and up lately, trying to survive life as best as I can, trying to put the mess that I created out of my life back in order as best as I can.

I am working hard and trying to stay focused. Sometimes I fall down and skin my knees. Sometimes I get pretty damned injured from all of this.

With C back in my life, things are particularly strange. I still love him, but I feel like that love is different. I feel like it has grown and changed, and that it is something that I am beyond. He makes me feel safe like no one else my life has before, or I am afraid, will again. He makes me feel comfortable, happy. He is a really great and wonderful man in my life, who I am so glad to have, but on the other hand, I have an extremely difficult time trusting him after what has happened before. Little by little he is cracking me though.

It is a blessing and a curse to have him around. I work hard to protect myself, to protect my heart. And it is very very difficult.

Last night was the first time I spent the night there since we have been seeing each other again. We were in the middle of sex, and he said "want to spend the night?" and I agreed. Was that dumb, maybe... But I felt more comfortable than I had in bed in a very long time. Probably since the last time I was in his bed with him.

I am beginning to wonder if my attitude towards men results from my disease. I cannot seem to be interested in more than one person at one time. C does not count though, because he is an enigma. But since I am interested in M right now, I feel like I cannot even give JT the time of day. Its tough because M has not ever asked me on a date or anything, he just flirts with me. And then I continuously ignore or turn down JT.

What is wrong with me?

Or am I just hoping that C will be mine again?

I have not updated this in a week or something.

I think that is because I am beginning to even out. I am beginning to stabilize, which is weird to me, as it has been months of instability. That's good, of course. But it is still strange.

Something strange has happened over the last few weeks. Someone very very important from my past has resurfaced. An ex, C, has reappeared, wanting to start over. Start slowly... I am very afraid, as he has already broken me once.

Today's mini-goal:
Make it all the way home without crying.

Yep, sounds really ridiculous. But I feel like I have to do it that way because of the major breakdown I had (again) last night. It is apparently just what I do, in general. I breakdown. I sob, I cry, I scream, I hide, I break things, I cut my hair, I even consider cutting myself. That one I haven't done. I have zero desire to die, just desire to release. Releasing tension is releasing blood? That is not something that I am sure about, but sometimes in my head it seems logical.

Last night was the body-related freak out. I am still not fitting into my clothes properly or the way that I want to. It truly makes me miserable. I want to drop about 10 lbs to look and feel the way that I like. And so I tried on a sundress to wear to the wedding this weekend that I am going to, and it was kind of tough to zip up, and I looked fat in it. So of course, I started crying about that. I was also crying about the fact that I have nasty, ugly scars all over my legs because of a bad habit that I have had my entire life. And now, the flea problem with the cat is adding more and more little bites to me, which I am afraid of because it is things like that which got me all scarred up in the first place.

Well, I am very hopeful that it is a flea problem as I am not in the mood to deal with bedbugs, that is for certain! And they are my major fear.

Having this as my new place where I am actually able to express how I am feeling day to day, without needing to hold a pen, since I am still have trouble doing that if it is for an extended period of time, might be helping. I feel the need to constantly be writing something, so I have pretty much always had an entry going that I can flip back to if times are needed!

I have already done my main goal for the day, which was to follow up with a psychiatrist. I called him back and have an appointment scheduled for Monday morning at 9:15. Hooray for that. I am not terribly excited about it, as it is definitely going to be a pretty major financial hit for me, but I guess it is what someone like me has to do to try and get or stay healthy.

I am not really liking the fact that I keep saying "someone like me". I don't like to think of myself as completely different from the rest of the world's population. Granted, there is obviously different things about me, but then again, there are different things about everyone! I am not sure why I am taking the approach that I am completely screwed up, and therefore a failure in the eyes of the world. I DO feel like that about myself, but I am not sure that it is the appropriate way to feel. In fact, I am fairly certain that it is NOT the appropriate way to feel, but I can't help it.

The other thing that bugs me a whole lot is my need to ramble. I feel like all the time that I just have to keep talking, keep writing, keep running my mouth, etc. I think I just said two of the same things twice. In different ways, but twice none-the-less.

I am having trouble working today. I feel like I got something accomplished already as I managed to get the everywhere apportionment to flow to New Jersey, which was a positive step in the right direction, but now I am just feeling pretty well done for the day, which sucks. I really would like to get one thing off of my desk, as soon as I possibly can, so I can actually feel like I have accomplished something. I would really LOVE to get some things done today in order to really be able to move forward with my 10/15 projects.

I hate feeling like I can't get anything done. I have taken on all of these projects of someone from my team who left, and I am just sitting here, staring at them. It is horribly frustrating to me. I hate to be nonproductive. And I really like to get things done and feel like SOMETHING that I am doing is making a difference to me. I hate the fact that there is seemingly nothing that I can do to really hammer out these returns that I am working on. I love to be productive. I love to accomplish things. I love to feel good about what I have gotten done in any given day. I know that I have already accomplished my daily mini-goal, but now I would like to accomplish something at work. Right now I would feel good if I could just get my proper filing instructions to print, as then I would have several of the returns completed at least! That would be awesome!

Follow-up on Yesterday's Goal, etc...

Okay, well, everyone should know that I did achieve my mini-goal of the day yesterday, and I am quite pleased with myself for doing so.

Today's goal: Follow up with psychiatrist, and if no, get a number for a second one.
Bonus goal: Pack for Toledo (leaving tomorrow!)

I am having major major regrets/self hatred today about what I did to my hair on Monday. I have been able to talk myself out of it a dozen other times when I almost hacked it all off, and this time, I just couldn't do it, and so now, I cry. I look at myself and I cry. I have this weird my hair is too thick mushroom thing going on right now. I had it when I was a senior in high school and I have it again. I hate it.

I am having a weird mood day in addition to my hair thing. Part of me wants to break down in tears, as I kind of feel like I have no choice and that is the only thing that is going to work for me right now. I also have a racing heart and I want to scream and rock back and forth under my desk like I really am a crazy person. Maybe I am a crazy person? I have no idea.

All that I know right now is that I have been constantly having a tough time with life in general, which I hate. Granted, I guess that is to be expected considering what I have going on right now. I mean, it is not the easiest situation in the world to be a fresh "sick person," or whatever it is that I really am. It is all new to me in general, and it sucks a fat one.

First off, the reason I have chosen a pink layout for this blog is not because I am in love with the color pink. I am hoping that looking at it daily will be cheerful and helpful to me as time goes on. We'll see.

I have recently been trying to set myself little mini-goals daily to try and figure out what I have going on. I feel like if I can accomplish one thing every day, then I can feel as though I truly am improving.

My friend K said to me the other night when I was telling her that I was giving up (because trust me, when you have been to hell and back as many times as me, you are more than ready to give up), that she figures someday I will take my illness, take the bad luck that has befallen me over and over again, and find a way to live with it. In fact, not just live with it, live ON it. She figures someday I will be using a talent that I have squirreled away (writing) and manage to get all of it written down somewhere, be published, etc.

I like to think that she is right and it could happen. But on the other hand, with the way that things are going lately, I am not sure that it ever will happen. Right now my head is so out of it, and has been for so long, that I am unsure that it will ever come back to where my head feels like it needs to be for me to be a successful person. I feel like I have failed over and over, honestly, and I am not sure what I can do about it.

Aspects of my life that I feel I have failed:
1. School
2. Music
3. Finances
4. Career at former firm
5. License exam (3x)
6. Relationships (every one I have been in since the age of 17)

I am exhausted of complaining to my friends and parents about what a failure I feel like. So that is part of the reason that I have started this. Of course, the other part of that is in hopes that, like K said, someday I get around to pulling all of this together and maybe can take some kind of recording of my "crazy time" when I am in it. Unfortunately, too often my hands stop working and then I can't even hold a pen or something.

I hope I can end up with some sense of lucidity on this, just enough that I can make it out in the future if I do go back to attempt to re-record my life.

So to go back to the earlier point I made about having little goals every day? I would like to record them here. Yesterday's was "make it to work." Check. Friday's was "call a psychiatrist." Check.

Today's goal: Do not call mom at all unless she calls you, or it is after 9 pm.

Stay tuned for tomorrow or later to see if I make it!

I am meeting J for dinner in about an hour. We are going to a seafood place. I am hopeful that I will be able to sit still and not fidget or shake too much, as that is what I have been doing all day. I try to come across as normal, because I don't want anyone to think any less of me. It scares me to be so "sick" if sick is the proper term for what is going on with me. It scares me that other people could find out.

September 15 & 16, 2008

I did something that I would term to be crazy yesterday. I cut all my hair off in a rage. I was losing it, sobbing hysterically about who knows what, and scissors, ponytails, cut cut cut.

J said to me once that if I stick to cutting my hair rather than myself then it will probably be ok. But I have considered on more than one occasion recently to pick up the scissors and chop more than my hair. I left some length to my hair in hopes that I will stick with that in my frustration. Not that I really want to look even that crazy, coming into work with shorter hair every time I have had some major frustration... But I don't know. I guess it is better than scarred wrists?

I don't know. I am constantly humiliated because of my tendency to act out, to be crazy and irrational. For some reason, I have very little control over it. It freaks me out to have so little control over something when it is actually happening. It is almost an "out-of-my-head" kind of moment, that I hate. I mean, who likes to have no control at all? I tend to be a bit of a control freak, so I obviously have no idea how the average person feels, but it is a weird thing to kind of feel like you are watching yourself from the outside while you do something which seems incredibly ridiculous.

An ex called me irrational for years. I argued it with him tooth and nail. Maybe he was right. That is terrifying to me.

Anon - A Layout

Okay, I started this blog generally as a way to just track down what I am feeling and how I am coping with my disease that I was recently diagnosed with (Bipolar Type I) within the last month. My name is E, and I am 25.

I had my suspicions about my own diagnosis for several years now. I have generally kept them to myself in hopes that someone would discover it and call me out on it. Of course, it is rather difficult for someone, even a doctor to do that. I mean, yes, he sits there and watches me fidget, sees me starve myself for months at a time... but those things could easily be related to my nonsensical vanity about my body. And that is not unusual for a woman of my age with my background to have that kind of vanity.

I finally decided it was time to take control of my own life, and go for a diagnosis. It is hard to realize that you could have a chronic illness that can be so severe as this one, but at the same time, I figured, if I knew what it was (and so did my doctor) I can treat it far more successfully. As soon as I was sitting in the doctor's office with my regular weekly weigh-in (if you are suspected of having or have been diagnosed with an eating disorder like me you have to be weighed in all the time - at least I do), and started describing to him different things that I have had going on, he was like, "you know, I think you might be bipolar." So we talked about it, he told me different things that I do that pointed in that general direction, and also mentioned that my troubles with eating (or lack thereof) could be more of a symptom of the disorder, rather than something separate from it!

So it has been about a month since my diagnosis. I am on some meds now, although I certainly might have to have them readjusted and such and try and find all of the right levels of everything that I am on, but hopefully, I will, and eventually I will become some semblance of a "normal" person, whatever that is.