First off, the reason I have chosen a pink layout for this blog is not because I am in love with the color pink. I am hoping that looking at it daily will be cheerful and helpful to me as time goes on. We'll see.

I have recently been trying to set myself little mini-goals daily to try and figure out what I have going on. I feel like if I can accomplish one thing every day, then I can feel as though I truly am improving.

My friend K said to me the other night when I was telling her that I was giving up (because trust me, when you have been to hell and back as many times as me, you are more than ready to give up), that she figures someday I will take my illness, take the bad luck that has befallen me over and over again, and find a way to live with it. In fact, not just live with it, live ON it. She figures someday I will be using a talent that I have squirreled away (writing) and manage to get all of it written down somewhere, be published, etc.

I like to think that she is right and it could happen. But on the other hand, with the way that things are going lately, I am not sure that it ever will happen. Right now my head is so out of it, and has been for so long, that I am unsure that it will ever come back to where my head feels like it needs to be for me to be a successful person. I feel like I have failed over and over, honestly, and I am not sure what I can do about it.

Aspects of my life that I feel I have failed:
1. School
2. Music
3. Finances
4. Career at former firm
5. License exam (3x)
6. Relationships (every one I have been in since the age of 17)

I am exhausted of complaining to my friends and parents about what a failure I feel like. So that is part of the reason that I have started this. Of course, the other part of that is in hopes that, like K said, someday I get around to pulling all of this together and maybe can take some kind of recording of my "crazy time" when I am in it. Unfortunately, too often my hands stop working and then I can't even hold a pen or something.

I hope I can end up with some sense of lucidity on this, just enough that I can make it out in the future if I do go back to attempt to re-record my life.

So to go back to the earlier point I made about having little goals every day? I would like to record them here. Yesterday's was "make it to work." Check. Friday's was "call a psychiatrist." Check.

Today's goal: Do not call mom at all unless she calls you, or it is after 9 pm.

Stay tuned for tomorrow or later to see if I make it!

I am meeting J for dinner in about an hour. We are going to a seafood place. I am hopeful that I will be able to sit still and not fidget or shake too much, as that is what I have been doing all day. I try to come across as normal, because I don't want anyone to think any less of me. It scares me to be so "sick" if sick is the proper term for what is going on with me. It scares me that other people could find out.