I had pretty much of a breakdown yesterday. I was just feeling terrible for some of the things that have been going on, that I have been dealing with, and so I just was not sure how to cope. JT and I were supposed to do something last night, and naturally, because I am a complete screw up, I cancelled on him.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know why I can't like a guy who likes me back. I am not sure what I have so wrong with my head that I can't see someone who cares about me. Or at least, cares about what they have seen of me so far.

Maybe (ok, definitely) I am having a hard time trusting that someone could want to see me so much, that they are pursuing me like that. I mean, C was (is?) the love of my life, and he was never like that with me. We had something completely different. He and I had a very strange love/hate relationship, unlike any I have ever had before, and therefore, somehow better than any I have ever had before.

We had a very screwy relationship. I cannot deny that at all. And yet there was something about it that was perfect. There was something about it that I will look for in all future relationships. I have never had so much fun or laughed so hard with anyone else that I have been with. And I was with J for 4 years!

No wonder I feel like if there was a such thing as soul mates, C is mine... But since he isn't sure he is interested in that, what is a girl to do?