After the positive entry last night, I had a little bit of a breakdown. I cried, I felt terrible, and I definitely had a moment of feeling like I was in that crying on the floor in the bathroom asking why he doesn't like me. I didn't want to think about the men in my life and their unresponsiveness to me yesterday.

I wanted to focus on the positive. I wanted to be focused on the good goals today and yesterday. I wanted to have a good day, a day when I wasn't worried about relationships, men, being sick. I wanted it to be a day to be better, to be a good person. The person that I want to be, the person that I know that I am.

And yet, last night, I was crying and upset with myself, upset with C and M for not caring about me. And hell, C, he is something else, he is completely an enigma in my life. He is one of those things around me that confuses the shit out of me, tears me from the inside out, and never lets me really see what I have going on. I sit and look at myself, examine my feelings and try and to be different and try to be calm and ignore men. Ignore the ones that hurt me.

And M, he of course, should get some kind of exemption from my fury, because he has no idea that I am pining for him. I mean, he certainly might know, I have not exactly been secretive about it, but still, what is going on with him is a little different because we aren't dating or anything. I would like to begin to date him, as it would be nice to be "dating" someone for the first time since B. And he and I dated consistently for about a month before he went to Spain.

He was a really good guy, and I liked him A LOT. I wish things had worked out differently with us, and we were able to continue to see each other, but unfortunately we did not.

I hope today turns out a better day!