Things have been tough lately. I have been having some trouble in my head, and have been covering that up regularly by sleeping with C. I definitely know that it is not the correct answer. I have come to terms with the fact that I might be a little bit of a masochist, as I am going for a world of hurt by continuing to see him. I know this. And yet I continue to do it because it feels good.

And it really does feel good. He continuously and easily provides me with the best sex of my life. And holy cow, it really is the best sex ever. I think that is probably a big chunk of why he came back to see me again. For the sex. And in some ways, I am ok with that because he will screw me, pleasure me, and then lay back in the bed with me and laugh about how amazing we have it.

But I am not sure if amazing sex with C is what I really want. I mean, I know in my heart that I would love for him to love me again. But in my head, I know that is highly highly unlikely. I mean, with C, life is always a challenge. He never knows what he wants in the long term. Just want he wants right now. And he is very very good at getting what he wants right now. Obviously, look at me! Here I am after vowing to never have anything to do with him again because he hurt me so badly, and here I am waiting for my chances to be under him, to be in his bed. I am ridiculous.

I keep telling myself I can cut it off whenever I want to, but I am beginning to realize that is not the case, and I am beginning to fall under his spell once again. I hate myself for it.

I need to start seeing M to fix this. Does M want me? He acts like it...